Friday, 18 December 2009

too feral for facebook? lolz

I've spent roughly 40% of my life alone: let's round that off to 20 years.
Some of this time has elapsed within the protective envelope of a 'relationship'; some on the outside.

Mostly, I celebrate being an outsider: 'a complete unknown'.
This status carries a lot of power!
Not simply independence – to do my own thing in my own time and, yes, to indulge my weaknesses – but the rare opportunity to evolve and live by a unique set of principles, which happen to include loving people and serving them.

Infrequently (perhaps for a nett total of four or five years) I've ached for companionship and intimacy.
These periods are admittedly tough and call on my deepest reserves of strength and, yes, courage.
Everyone needs an anchor.
Being alone and 'ungodly' in the truest sense, one is forced to 'anchor' oneself regardless of circumstances.
(Physician, heal thyself!)

Life's a real trip, isn't it?
After working my way through a very long, dark tunnel I reached a point this year where I got the overwhelming feeling that I'd already met the love of my life – and lost her.
This persistent (and enfeebling) sensation is finally tapering off – she and I have, I suspect, diverged too far on our separate paths – yet it leaves a void that can hopefully can be filled in time (because that old and painful ache is creeping back).

If love can be compared to a structure, acceptance (tolerance?) might be the glue that keeps it together. Once this bond starts to disintegrate, often through natural attrition, it can rarely be restored – weaknesses, for example, become character flaws.

Though I continue my 'journey', I'm more comfortable with 'who I am' than ever before – and my pathway into the future becomes clearer every day – but, seriously, who'd want to share a life with an increasingly feral and feisty post-SNAG like me?

As a part-time marketer I can truly understand and respect buyer resistance to this particular 'product' – myself – but as always it's a two-way deal.
The shelves are stocked with a range of talent but none of it seems to promise what I'm after.
I have my own needs.
Sexual attraction is important (can't help that!) – yet above all I crave the connections of companionship, intellectual empathy and shared values.

Hmmmmm … where do picky people (with a distinct aversion to 'shopping') go shopping?

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